Go away. Go away.

I repeat. Go away.

Please leave me alone.

I try to rationalise a feeling that is not rational.

What does anxiety feel like?

Paralyzing.

I’m paralyzed by her.

Whenever I wake up, I hope that she’s gone.

But, I feel her.

I feed her. I feed her my fears, my nightmares.

She thrives when I’m scared.

I have no control.

I set daily goals. Smiling is an accomplishment.

Jut because you don’t see her… or don’t hear her…

She exists.

She is very real.

There are all these things I want to do… and the more I worry about them, the bigger she gets.

Another day goes by, what have I done?

Am I closer to my goals? Closer to success? Closer to happiness?

No.

She’s my inner judge.

When will you be good enough?

What do I need to prove?

It is not about what others might think of me.

Each day, I feel that I have failed.

I’m not perfect.

I’m not where I think I should be.

I’m not who I thought I could be.

Stop.

And breath.

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Writer, documentary filmmaker, photographer, feminist, mother, and much more.

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Andrea Huls

Andrea Huls

Writer, documentary filmmaker, photographer, feminist, mother, and much more.